She sits quietly in the chair beside his hospital bed.
The same chair where she has sat all night long for the past week while her husband lies in the hospital.
Again.
She is beyond weary. Beyond exhausted. For the past week she has desperately balanced having her husband in the hospital with the demands of also being the mother of a child with profound special needs.
She alternates her time between the hospital and home where her family is assisting with the care of her son. To say she is sleep deprived would be a huge understatement.
It’s his fourth time to be hospitalized in three months. She is tired of sickness, tired of chronic disease, and tired of trying to balance the needs of two family members.
This is not the life she expected or dreamed of when they got married all those years ago. She never imagined she would raise a son who requires 24/7 care with his every need. And then to have a husband struck by a chronic illness in mid-life. It is overwhelming at times.
She cannot remember the last time she slept through the night. She cannot remember the last time she did anything for herself.
Compassion fatigue is real and it’s emotionally crippling. She wants to cry but there’s no time to really process what all is going on in her life.
The social worker from the hospital slips into the room to discuss his care when they leave the hospital. “Who will take care of him when you return home?”
Quietly she chuckles and says, “I will. We’ve been married for 25 years and I’m not going anywhere.”
The social worker turns to her and says, “yet.”
In a voice that leaves no doubt or equivocation, she turns to the social worker and says, ” There is no “yet.”
Twenty-five years. Sickness and health. Better or worse.
Because we took a vow. A covenant before God. A promise that didn’t include the word “yet.”
No one can prepare you for the grueling, exhausting, draining task of caring for a child with profound special needs. You will never attempt anything harder in your life. And it will affect everything about your life- emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally and mentally.
The toil it takes on your marriage is staggering. Then throw in a spouse living daily with a chronic illness. It’s intense and even brutal. But we had taken a vow.
Right now, there are many of you ready to check out. You feel like you’ve reached your breaking point in your marriage. You’re ready to walk out the door on your marriage any minute.
For all of you in the midst of the struggle…for all the special needs moms and dads about to throw in the towel and quit…for all of you ready to just give up and walk away…for all of you wondering if it ever gets better…for all of you struggling to find anything good about your circumstances…
There is no “yet.”
The battles, the struggles, the trials, they can serve to unite you instead of divide you. But it’s your choice. Let God use the pain to draw you closer to each other, and in turn closer to him.
What an amazing connection and testimony. Thanks for sharing this inspiration. Praying for strength and healing.
God bless Becky
Wow Jeff. You hit it on the head with this one. Although our son doesn’t have the same needs as yours, it’s still a daily struggle. And with me, the main caregiver, being the chronically ill one, this still strikes me to the core. How many times have I spent alone in the hospital bed hoping that my children and especially my special needs child, had what they needed in my absence. Would anyone come visit me? Would this be the final straw that drives my husband away? It’s so hard on him when I am sick. Now with my disability and job loss? Where will we go from here? Taking a leap of faith and knowing God will catch us.
shame on me. You, your wife and son have endured a life of pain, struggles and life limitations. But you continue to give your “all”. I have never met any of you, but I follow your stories. I too am raising a child of special needs and at times I think why me? Then Im reminded of your life story. shame on me.
Excellent message, Jeff.
You are in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis from now on…YES, THERE IS NO YET GOD KEEP YOU ALL IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND
Jeff what a beautiful story. Your family your marriage is a testimony to “No yet”. Commitment compassion companionship — you are a rich man.
There was never a “yet” in mine and Tony’s vows either. Don’t get me wrong there were times in 37 years that I wish God would have made an exception. When he would have 3 yrs worth of hormones flood his body in just moments and he didn’t know what had happened. Neither of us knew what was going on in him until about 20 years into our marriage. It wasn’t easy being married to the hulk only he didn’t turn green. Life was an adventure. He was such a great guy for 3 months and then for about 5 min. the Hulk would show up. The trouble was we didn’t know when to expect him. The Dr. s at duke found the empty cellus the pituatary tumor had caused when it flattened out central station for all of the bodies working glandular functions. They told us Tony could die any moment from the amount of hormones being dumped so quickly into the body or he could live for 20 years a very painful life wishing the Lord would take him on home. Tony lived for over 30 years battling the effects. Watching someone you love suffer so much does something to your heart. I think sometimes I could have handle it better if I had been in the pain. It hurts the heart so much to just set and watch those you love suffer and feel helpless. Then God in His still small voice would remind me I wasn’t helpless. I had my Father’s ear and He would listen when I’d pray or when I’d cry to Him, even when I’d get angry at Him and at Tony cause I would want him not to quit fighting. But I had prayed “Thy will be done!” and there are no ‘Yets” in the vows and there are no “if only”s in “thy will be done”! Tony went home to be with our Lord and Saviour and I miss him so!! but I am so glad he is no longer suffering and I’m so glad there was no “yet” in our vows. You and your precious wife and son meant so much to Tony and me. We prayed for often and I will continue to pray for all of you! Love you from Karen Fleenor
Great entry Jeff. As my son starts middle school this week I had similar thoughts, thinking back on my middle school years. Allthough my son is not as severe as your son I too started to compare our school experiences as my son wont experience things as I did as a teen.
My thoughts were mixed with joy, pride, nerves, “wow i’m getting old” as well as bitterness and anger. But I also thought about the innocence he has, not worry’s about fitting in, no worries about clothes nor being hurt emotionally by a girl. And I am going to hold onto those thoughts for while!
This is so similar to my story. Never imagined it would be this way. Severely disabled child, chronically ill and partially disabled spouse, and I am injured due to caring for both of them. I am so weary.
Dear Jeff,
My husband and I are also parents of a special needs child. She was born brain damaged 42 years ago, cerebral palsy, microcephalic,( which means a small brain) and has suffered severe problems being able to eat. Suffered a massive stroke which left her paralyzed on her right side, blind in her right eye, incontinence and so much more. We suffered many years of financial burden with no help from the state and no insurance, but even through all of this GOD is FAITHFUL. Now in our later years GOD is taking care of all 3 of us. Many blessings to you always.