I haven’t written in this space for over three months. I’m ashamed to tell you why, but maybe some of you need to hear it in light of your own struggles.
I have been having affair that threatened to not just estrange me, but to destroy me. It has left me wounded, scarred, and hurting. I still grieve, I still lament, and I’m still hurting. But now I hurt with hope.
After years of trouble with my feet, and numerous surgeries, in early October my left foot had to be amputated. I vividly still remember staring at my stump right after surgery with tears in my eyes in utter disbelief.
I have cried more in the past three months than I had in my entire life up until this point. I was devastated, and quite honestly, it threatened to devastate my relationship with God. Faith is easy in the good times. Faith is hard when God calls you to walk through the fire.
At night I would lay in my bed in the physical rehab center and question everything I believed. If God is so loving and caring, why did he ignore my prayers and pleas to save my foot? I felt like God had an unlisted phone number and had blocked my texts.
That’s when it began. I had an affair with Fear. At night, when I was all alone, Fear would slip into my room and whisper in my ear.
Fear tried to convince me to leave God, after all, what had He done for me lately? Did He still love me? I found myself listening to Fear’s lies and allowed Fear to deceive me and seduce me. At one-point Fear convinced me that my ministry life was over, I couldn’t do it anymore like I had before.
Utter garbage. But the problem is that we believe whatever the voices we listen to speak into our hearts and minds. I was listening to the wrong voice. I raged against God and I dared to doubt God. I convinced myself God had done this to hurt me.
In the past 18 months I’ve lost my kidneys, went on dialysis, and now I’ve lost my foot. I’ve coded twice from respiratory arrest and ended up on a ventilator. I’ve fought depression, despair, and maybe a little post traumatic stress as well if I’m being honest. But the problem wasn’t in my body. After all, my body is just a shell for my spirit. And yes it’s got some cracks. My problem was in my mind because that’s where I allowed Fear to live.
Nineteen years ago, I had the same feelings, the same doubts, and the same affair with Fear. That was when we learned of our son’s profound special needs. I doubted God then too. And right now you may be going through the same thing, or your own pain and suffering in your life from something else threatens to destroy you and your relationship with God. As I learned then, God’s grace is bigger than my doubts.
I have learned so much in the past three months. Much more than I can unpack in one blog piece. I plan to unpack it in more detail in coming blog pieces and I hope you’ll join me in the journey. This is war and the Enemy is real. But God is real too. And He has showed up in my life in incredible ways as He and I walk through this together,
The Enemy can take my foot, but he can’t take away my calling. That was given to me by God and nothing can take it away. God doesn’t put us through anything he doesn’t plan to use. God’s grace is bigger than my doubts, my fears, and my struggles.
I still hurt. But now I hurt with hope. I have been entrusted with pain and suffering. I want to get where I consider it an honor to be entrusted with it by God to use for advancing His kingdom and bringing Him glory. I’m not there yet. But I’m much further along in that journey now. If crushing me allows be to exude the aroma of Christ, then it is indeed an honor to serve the King in that matter.
I’m still grieving. And I’m still vulnerable under my own power. I will have to rely on God’s power over my own. As I recently heard, “Fear is having faith in the enemy.” This is war. Losing my foot to amputation just makes me a casualty of war. I’m still going to stand my post.
It’s over Fear. I’m going back to my first love; the One I love because He first loved me.
Thank you for sharing. It is hard to have faith when walking through fire. Also hard to have faith when you had faith and you feel God let you down. Keep staying strong! My daddy lost his leg, struggled for about 4 years and ended up losing his 2nd one. He unfortunately died 1 month later from undiagnosed cancer. My mama died of cancer too. My grandma in a house fire. My grandfather choked to death in a nursing home. It is so hard to not say “why did you abandon me God” but I have to remind myself almost daily that God’s will shall be done and He knows best.
Thanks again for sharing with us.
Tears of pain, joy and gratitude for you, Jeff! God has done more through you and your precious family than anyone I know, and the enemy doesn’t go after those he already controls. He goes after those who are bringing God’s light, love, and hope into the darkness!
Yes, it’s warfare, but guess what? Our Commander-In-Chief is the Alpha and Omega, and as for you, in your honesty and in your struggles, you continue to encourage others! My money is on Superman’s Dad, because he’s been chosen to be a mighty general in God’s army, and he will fulfill his mission no matter what the circumstances, and lead the troops onward to Victory! Love and prayers always!
Jeff, that’s very inspirational when I read that your injury is exactly like a soldier on the army of the Almighty God who was injured during a war against evil powers. Jeff, I am sure the enemy tried more than once to capture you but he couldn’t since no on can kidnap from my Father’s hands. (John10:29)
An amazing piece, Jeff. Thanks for sharing your heart and your love of our loving Heavenly Father. We continue to pray for you, I know God has something Great in store for you.
Jeff,
Your family has empowered me to look to Our God! In this world of pain and fear. I have found myself lately just saying “I am over it” ” I cant do this anymore” I want to Praise God,his Grace is sufficient. I will with God’s help in 2017 be over what God is calling me to be over. And I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. Jeff Thank you fir your Blogs. I Love how honest you are. God knows I needed to read this. Look forward to more of your Blogs! May God Bless You all! I am so Thankful for RAM.
True words of and strength and hope, Thank you Jeff! Your walk with the Lord, and your courage in that walk should inspire us all.
We went through all of this with our son Allen. Huge difference though. Allen wasted his life and he knew it. He believed his problems were punishment. For 10 years we raced up to be with him when he died except God kept bringing him back. We tried in every way we knew to assure him of our love and especially the love of our creator. He always agreed but there was no evidence he had peace with God. In September of 2014 we went up again but this time he was facing amputation of his left leg. It was the only piece of his body left to use for dialysis. We transferred him to hospice and were looking for a way to tell him it really was the end. Before we could say anything he reached out his arms and called for his Jesus. I asked him what he was seeing and he kept saying his Jesus. Everything about him changed. He asked God for forgivness, us for forgivness and named all of his brothers and sisters. He gave us such a gift that the whole 10 years disappeared and we have been filled with an unspeakable joy since that day. He lived a few more hours but for those of us left behind nothing but blessing. He is the same God who has allowed your family to suffer through these trials. We felt despair so many times but it is all gone and wiped out because God was there all the time and He knew the end. He knows all of that for you, Becky, Jon Alex and your friends and family. He allowed it only to bring glory and honor to His name so instead of dred be in anticipation of all He has in store for you. Love in Jesus, Eric, Danny, Mike and Darlene
Jeff, you are an amazing man ! thank you for sharing Your heart with all of us. I have followed you for a long time, and have missed your blogs very much.I too struggle with my Faith in our Heavenly Father, more than I want to..Thank You for encouraging people like me, to keep on moving forward in our quest. You TRULY INSPIRE all of us who share with you. please keep on sharing….You are in my daily prayers,with your family, and so many Cancer survivors, like myself, because it REALLY MATTERS. Thank you Jeff,
Whew Jeff I am speechless . Just want you to know you and your sweet family are always in my prayers.. God loves you and so do I.
Thank You Jeff, I do appreciate you having the courage to share! I am a single mother of a “SUPERMAN”, too. Through this journey I have learned its only through CHRIST we have come this far. I love to read inspirational stories, GOD BLESS YOU and YOUR FAMILY!!!
Praying for you my brother in Christ! No matter the outcome of your earthly trials, with faith in Christ you are victorious!
Jeff when I met you and Becky in Monroe, GA at By The Brook Retreat. You and Becky and all those wonderful folks from Cooksville, TN your love for your son and the amazing support on your ministry. I know you have had to endure so much, and knowing that Becky and your son stood by you while dealing and continue to fight the fear and the unknown. Your an inspiration to all of us special needs parents.
You are a fighter and never give up, despite all that has happened to you. I know you are a Warrior in your life with God by your side. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that had to be the most difficult thing to do.
God Bless and continued prayers in your recovery.
Jeff, I have read some of your blog’s & haven’t written but now is the time!!! I had my right foot taken off after years of feet problems & felt like I had to leave a good job at Walmart after years of being on my feet as a cashier!!! In my case I was glad to finally get rid of my pain caused by it!!! I am a Christian who was raised in church so I knew God was with me all the way but I prayed about it 4 about 6 months before I made the decision but it was a great decision 4 me!!! If U want to talk sometime feel free to call me sometime! I go to Trinity when I can but hasn’t been as much since I had my surgery almost 3 yrs ago! Can drive but limited on transportation!!! Trinity has both my home number & cell number. Let them know & they would call me & I will give them permission for I to have it!!! Dusti McNeely Brooks knows me!!! I am also a diabetic!!!
I’m soooo proud of you for sharing your story. Fear has A profound way profound way of separating us from God. Your story will help motivate another person who somewhere is also struggling, and because of you, you’ll be superman steering them back to God
I’m so proud of you. Thx you for sharing your story. While tragic, it is been pointing you back to God and strengthening your faith and your ministry. What you shared will be able to help minister and encourage another struggling person, thus encouraging them not to give up, and pointing them back to God also . Yes, you are Superman
You are one of the bravest men I know…………..Love you bro!
Yes – your voice is back. And I don’t know what else to say. You teach me much about the value of suffering. And I hate it for you – at least on the surface. Certainly the work that God is doing in your life will be worth far more.