For years I have proclaimed and written that special needs moms are superheroes. I have often proclaimed my awe, amazement, and admiration for the special needs mom and for caregivers. I have shared my thoughts on my own wife and her days as a caregiver to our own son with profound special needs.
I’ve even referred to my own wife as Wonder Woman.
But I was wrong.
Caregivers are not superheroes.
You see something happened earlier this year that changed my whole perspective on caregivers.
My wife became my caregiver.
A few months ago I was abruptly diagnosed with chronic end-stage renal disease. Simply put, my kidneys have failed me.
My wife and I had just led a marriage workshop for special needs couples in Atlanta. Two days later I was in the emergency room signing a form allowing for the possible amputation of my foot and being informed I was in renal failure.
Thirty days in the hospital. Five months in a cast. Multiple surgeries. Myriads of doctor’s appointments, test, and evaluations as I try to get on the kidney transplant list.
Oh yea, she also works full time in ministry and cares for our own son’s special needs, and his around the clock care.
That’s how I discovered I have been wrong all these years. Completely missed the mark on this one.
Caregivers are not superheroes. Superheroes don’t get weary beyond their breaking point. Superheroes don’t hurt, cry, tremble, and struggle to hold it all together. Superheroes don’t cry themselves to sleep at night with a mixture of worry and exhaustion.
But caregivers do. Compassion fatigue is not just real, it’s devastating- emotionally, physically, and relationally.
Caregivers are ordinary people who have been thrust into situations requiring extraordinary strength, courage, faith, and resiliency. Super heroes don’t rely on the grace of God. Caregivers can’t get by without it.
Caregivers walk with a rare grace, dignity, resolve, and determination that separates them from the rest of us.
Calling a caregiver, a superhero is a misnomer and mistake. Superheroes should be so strong. Superheroes should admire, respect, and look up to caregivers.
And so should you.
And me.
They don’t just deserve our appreciation and admiration, but it’s about time we show them how much we respect them and the roles they play.
You have no idea how much a little acknowledgment and encouragement can mean to the struggling caregiver. It may be the one thing that gets them through the day.
Caregivers struggle and are often uncomfortable asking for help. They don’t know how to ask. So why make them ask? Take the initiative and ask them what they need from you. Be engaged.
Not a day should go by without you affirming the caregivers in your life. Not one day. The caregiver in your family should be the most respected member of your family.
There is a really popular advertising campaign going on right now centered around the phrase, “I am second.” The implication is to put Christ first in your life. Great idea. Great concept. I love the ads.
But you’re not second.
You’re last.
Serve those who sere others as caregivers. Let your own strength be measured by the depths of your sacrificial service to the caregivers in your life.
If they are laying down their lives for your loved ones, how about laying your own life down for them every once in a while?
Because they’re hurting. They’re struggling. They fight battles every day in their own minds before even getting out of bed. They have rope burns from pulling themselves out of the pit so often.
When you are the one laying in the bed, knowing that you are responsible for their pain, you realize just how broken they are indeed.
They are broken. But they are beautifully broken.
No one gives unconditional love like a caregiver.
And now that I am the one receiving the care, I realize no one understands unconditional love like the one being cared for.
Every time my non-verbal son sees his mom for the first time in the morning, he breaks into the biggest grin.
I get it now.
Superhero, no.
Don’t insult the caregiver.
That’s good
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing
Thank you for your kind words Judy!
That one was really, really good Jeff!! Thanks!
Thank you Ginger!
Jeff I just love reading your kind,caring and loving stories. Becky is a jewel. I keep you all in my prayers everyday. PS….You are blessed with great parents too.
am touch! Broken is the right word, never would I imagine that a man could understand
Thanks Carmen. And yes, I totally understand.
Until I See – Peaceful Paths to Parenting Children with Special Needs is now available on Amazon.com. I love your story! I love how you have expressed your new level of compassion.
Praying for your healing and for peace, comfort and rest for your sweet wife. As a mother of a 25 year old multi-disabled son, a caregiver for another young special needs’ adult, and an aide on a bus for special needs’ children, I understand the struggles and sleepless nights, but I also know that the support of a wonderful husband and mercy, grace and love of a mighty Lord and Savior is priceless. I know the men often have to be the strong one to remind us that things will be okay, and they’re the ones that struggle to work to help with the financial demands of having a medically fragile child, often in a job or job(s) that is physically demanding as well. So hats off to you and your wife as I’m sure you’re a constant support for her.
Thank you so much for the encouragement Debbie! Blessings to you and your family!
Jeff, you just might be a better blogger/writer than fantasy football manager. Last season withstanding! Good word my friend…good word! I’m also very glad you are still with us! Now stop trying to leave this world! 🙂
Thanks Steve! I appreciate the encouragement so much! But you’re not getting my running back! 🙂
From the heart of a caregiver, thank you! May God continue to bless you as you all walk your journey.
Thank you Cindy. Blessings to you as well!
This is an amazing story well done to you both . I have eight children & my seventh child is the only one that has something wrong they are all my world & I have brought them up by myself as my husband was an alcoholic & I got rid of him three years ago the best thing I have ever done . But this year I have had a stroke but I’m trying to stay strong I hope I get back to the way I was
Thanks for writing Veronica. You have an amazing story yourself! Blessings to you as you recover from your stroke.
Thank you for writing this article! As a caregiver 24/7 it is an exhausting job but with great rewards! I love my son’s smile and twinkle in his eye when he looks at me. Christ gave me a gift and I am constantly leaning on Him for strength and reassurance.
Touched my heart! Thank you for sharing your perspective! You are SO right – we can’t do it without God! In my own journey,I was on my knees and found God’s grace! I am so grateful for this life and journey I am blessed to live. Praying for your total healing as well. Keep blogging – You are a blessing. Thank you!
Amen that’s exactly right. My sister and I our carving for our mother with alzhimer. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy not that I have any.
I am the caregiver of my 18 year old non verbal, cerebral palsy son who has severe developmental and intellectual delays. I read the letter you wrote about the things your son’s disabilities robbed from you and I couldn’t stop crying. Your words resonated so loudly with me. It was such a well written testimony and your words captured so much of my feelings. I quickly bought your book and have not stopped crying with every word you have written. I am a Wonder Woman fanatic and I like to believe I am Wonder Woman, but this post reveals that I am not a superhero, no, much more, I am a broken mom who is strengthened every day by my Heavenly Father who I cling to every moment of every day. Thank you for your words and for your amazing honesty. You have helped me reframe my situation and reminded me that my son is a gift and I am the gift keeper. May God continue blessing you and your family!! You have been a blessing to me….
Amalia,
I was so touched by your words. Thank you for reading my book, I pray that it continues to bless you and that God speaks to you through it! You say you are a broken mom, just remember there is beauty in brokenness. Blessings to you and your family!